Courtship?

How to Look for the Love of a Lifetime! Part 2

So, what should we do instead of dating? Courting!

An Overview: Courtship, Friendship, and Dating

Courtship is a word our society sees as a joke from an era they presume is about oppression and doldrums. This word conjures up fears that we are not in control of the one with whom we settle down, that we will get ourselves into a bad and unloving marriage, while our true love will go to someone else as in the story of "Romeo and Juliet." However, courtship from Biblical times through the Victorian period to the end of WW I, is a model of the best method of finding the right mate. Yes, this goes against our common thinking, but stay with me and think this through. In courting, the parents were the principle players, as they knew their children the best, and had the best in mind for them (This might scare you, as it did with me, but keep reading, most of the time this went great --of course, there were power plays and abuses). Thus, the parents were always involved in the marriage process. Contrary to popular belief, most families did not arrange the marriage without the consent of the children. Sometimes, the parents found perspective mates and the children were consulted for their opinion. Forcing two together then did not work any better than it does now, because human behavior has not changed. Other times, the son would approach the daughter's father, and arrange the marriage with him. Today, a significant rearmament in society would have to take place to make this model work. However, we can look at the precepts, and apply them to today.

Most people in the United States have a very specific, shared idea on how to find a mate, and that is through dating! Did you know this is a relatively new phenomenon in history, having it's beginnings in the 1950's? For centuries, when divorce was almost nonexistent, people were friends first, and then when one or both were interested, they "courted." There is nothing wrong with dating. The problem is how you go about it. If it is done in the tradition of the media, or what you think, or what you may have seen on a old TV game show such as "Love Connection", or some radically new shows such as "Blind Date," "Change of Heart," or "Dating Story," you will get yourself in trouble. If it is done from Biblical values, it will be a pleasurable adventure in making the right decision for the love of your life! You will be building a lasting and enduring relationship, versus one that will be miserable, and in divorce court in a few years!

What's wrong with dating? (Ephesians 5:1-14)

There are many types and ways of dating, as many as there are people. Perhaps, this is the main problem. Since everyone has a different view of what is right and wrong, there is no standard, no rules, no values, and no right way. I am not saying do not ever date, because there is nothing wrong with it as long as both people set boundaries and remain pure, Then, if standards of excellence are applied, and you seek to become acquainted without pretentious games or trying to hide the real you, you will do OK. However, that is not the usual date, is it?

The main thing wrong with dating is that we tend to hide from one another. Traditional dating in the US is based on lust, playing games, wearing masks, hiding one's true self, and seeking what friends and society say. In doing this, faults are hidden, and a false impression about you is given. In so doing, you are attempting to keep your date, then girl/boy friend, then fiancé, liking you. Recreational dating is even worse, as it is about self-gratification--seeking fulfillment in someone, or multiple "someones," who cannot possibly meet that need in you, or, it is to satisfy your own sinful desires and needs.

Therefore, you never develop a real, deep, meaningful, or impacting relationship with the person you are dating. So, when you do get married, you will not even know that person. You will only know the perception and idea that you have created for yourself. Then one day, you ask - who is that? and - wham! You are disillusioned, hurt, and confused, because that person is not who you thought they were. You married an idea, not the man or women who was best for you. Thus, you begin a quest to change them into your idea of what they should be, and, of course, that never works. Consequently, you get frustrated, fed up, and end up in a shallow, distant relationship, or, even worse, in divorce court--hurt, broken, confused, disillusioned, and missing out on God's wonderful plan!

Consider how dating is a "double standard." In dating, you go from person to person, sometimes several at once, engaging in different forms of intimacy. Yet, when people get married, even in secular society, those various forms of intimacy such as co-habitation, kissing, hugging, sharing emotions, intimate relations, sex, and even bringing up children, are recognized as sacred between the man and wife. In addition, when that trust is betrayed by acting the way we do in dating, the other is deeply hurt and appalled. The problem is that we lean and practice one way, and all of the sudden we are expected to conform to an entirely different set of criteria. For most people, including Christians, this is too difficult to do.

In dating, we assume we are free to participate in the privileges of marriage with different partners. This sets up behavioral patterns that most people cannot break. Then, we are surprised if a married man or women has an affair, while it is quite acceptable for singles to have a different partner every week, each to whom they are physically and emotionally attached. Think about this. If you are giving away pieces of your heart to every Tom, Dick, and Harry/ Debbie, Jane, and Kate, what will be left for that love of your life? Rampant emotional and sexual promiscuity will eat away at you, and even remain in you, continually eating away! When we give ourselves away, the worst consequence is, that part may not come back. Even at best, it will diminish us. Dating causes us to be too vulnerable. Most people date like they are married. They first live together, or act like they are in a marriage, but without the protection of commitment or of truly knowing each other! Think this through; you go out, date a stranger you really never get to know, spend a lot of time together, give your hearts to each another--all with no life-long commitment or covenant!

If you are a child of God, saved by His grace, you have to realize how special you are, as is the person you will marry. We are His special property! So, until you say, "I do," and give your hearts to each other, be aware of who you are in Christ. Because you are God's child, when you engage in inappropriate sexual behaviors, even flirting and kissing, it robs your future spouse and God. This is very dangerous and why most people get hurt after breakups. It becomes an invitation to lose a part of yourself, and steal from God and your spouse-to-be. Consider flirting; you are actually inviting someone else to be attracted to you, to lust after you, when you do not yet belong to each other! You are causing someone else to sin and to desire something that neither you nor he/she can have, something holy, set apart to God!

In dating, there are no Biblical values or precepts involved. Then you wonder why you get hurt! In courtship, you are preparing yourself and your future spouse for the covenant of marriage. This is the fortress, the castle that protects, because it is being built brick by brick. The bricks are made of material that builds a real relationship without the superficial mortar that cause the castle to collapse as soon as a rough patch comes along. Marriage is the boundary that protects your openness and vulnerability. Not convinced? Talk to anyone who just broke up. Sometimes the hurt stays for years, or never goes away!

Here are some more things wrong with dating:

Dating promotes lust and leads to sexual promiscuity.
Dating promotes a self-centered model of love that is weak and un-Biblical.
Dating removes the vital friendship and "getting to know the real person" stage of a relationship.
Dating promotes a permanent bond between two people who are not meant for each other nor will spend their lives together.
Dating devalues the real role of intimacy and sex for marriage.
Dating teaches people to break relationships off when times are difficult, an attitude which continues into marriage and initiates divorce.
Dating promotes comparison to what the media says, un-Biblical and unrealistic standards that few, if any could ever meet. Even the celebrities with all of their money, power, and influence, virtually never meet the standards they promote!
Dating leads to false feelings of intimacy and ignores real commitment.
Dating promotes an appetite for variety and change, which will create a desire for partner change and discontent in marriage.
Dating destroys friendships and even church fellowship, leaving Christians alienated from one another, thus ineffective for relational ministry.
Dating confuses a physical relationship with love.
Dating denies people who know you best to help you out--such as parents and mentors--so you will not make decisions based on lust, which will not last.
Dating isolates a couple from other needed relationships, including church and parents.
Dating distracts young adults from their education and preparing for the their future.
Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating the character of another person.
Dating will not prepare you for the realities of marriage, as you hide things from each other, denying problems and potential problems until it is too late.
Dating can cause discontent, and rejection of God's gift of singleness for those who have it.

Now you know what is wrong with dating. Let us look at what is wrong with love, or how our culture interprets love. Most people look for definitions from song lyrics, poems, TV, and the movies, but rarely from real life, or the Word of God!

Most people assume that loveis the most important thing in a marriage, or the most important reason to get married!

If you ask most couples who are about to be or who are already engaged why they are getting married, they will say: "Why, we're in love." It has been through studying in the Word, and 20+ years of counseling, that has prompted me to question the validity of this motive. Yes, love is essential! However, if it is all you have, you will end up with nothing! The #1 mistake people make when they date is looking just for love. This puts their brains "on hold" from everything else. Most people, including Christians, do not even know what love is! Choosing a life partner should never be based on love alone. This may sound like crazy talk, but think it through. Have you ever seen a relationship work with just love? No, not for movie or TV stars who have everything going for them, not for the singers who sing about it, and not even for the Beatles!

Most, if not all, people who get married do it for love, yet 50% will divorce in less than five years. So, what happened to the love? If love is all we need, should it have worked? Why did it not work? Because, there never was real love, they misunderstood what love is, or they had nothing but love, so there was a huge vacuum in their relationship! Love should not be the horse in front of the cart. Love needs to be a result, not a cause, for getting married. Love is the result of a good marriage, not the fuel to make it. Love is a spiritual fruit that comes from real, Godly character and commitment, which synergistically combines with the other characters of the Word. When the other ingredients of a good relationship are right, then the love will come. (See our article on love from February 2002.)

Love Myths:

· Love conquers all!

· All you need is love! (By the way, that did not work for the Beatles, did it?)

· If it is true love, you will know it right away!

· The perfect Mr. or Mrs. "Right" will fulfill you completely!

· Having a strong sexual attraction is a sign of true love!

· If you really love someone, you will have sex with him/her within the first month of dating!

When we have these ideas about love as a template on how we evaluate or select a mate, we will be in as much trouble as the singers and actors who made these statements. Still not sure? Just watch the biographies of them on cable TV! These ideas will cause a fairytale mindset and not Biblical, or reality based thinking. We will think we are in love when we are just filled with the wrong idea of love, coupled with lust and desire. Therefore, we think these statements are possible, feasible, and real. Actually, they will cause us to make grave mistakes, and mislead not only ourselves, but also all those around us!

Wrong ideas of dating and love will have grave consequences that can last for generations as it affects us, the other person, any children, both families, the extended families, friends, the church, and, of course, our Lord! Your choice is not just your choice, because it does not just affect you. Therefore, be careful that you choose wisely, based on Scripture rather than on false ideas and lust! (1 Cor. 7:32-35, paying close attention to verse 35!)

Your objective is not to seek fulfillment or desire, but to choose a mate with whom to live together with in unbroken devotion to the Lord. This brings the fullness that will make your house reflect God, serve for His glory, and be an example to those around you (Josh. 24:14 -15). What about attractiveness? Well, if you are courting, flowing the Biblical principles, and are not attracted to each another, that is a sure sign that something is wrong.

What is Courting? (Hos. 2:19-23)

Courting is focusing on first building a friendship with the person in whom you are interested. It progresses more slowly, develops deeper and stronger roots, and eliminates potentially dangerous, toxic, or wrong people for you. It looks to character and not just appearance. It seeks a real relationship without pretension or games. Courtship differs from dating as it seeks closeness through friendship first, whereas dating seeks a contest and competition. Courting is an open and honest exploration of each other's lives, personalities, faults, desires, goals, and families, that builds and grows toward engagement and then marriage. Courtship is about seeking a mate for marriage; so, you court in order to see if that is the right person for you and if there is any reason why you should not get married. The engagement is not just a time of planning the wedding; it is a time of seeing if you are truly compatible. If you are not, then break it off before it is too late! You cannot be afraid to break it off, even in the last days of the engagement. Otherwise, you will be walking into a life of misery at worst, or at best, taking much more effort and patience to make it work. A late break up would be very rare if you follow the precepts of the Word, because, you would have learned early in the relationship if it were not going to work. This is the reason for the courting model.

In courting you keep your pants and skirts on! You draw lines and barriers that both of you agree on of "no touch zones," and, I believe personally that it is best not to even kiss until you are engaged. There is no sexual interaction until after marriage. In addition, there should be no heavy extended "make outs" before engagement, or, even better, before the commitment of marriage.

Courting seeks true intimacy and the building of a solid lifelong relationship, while dating pretends to be fun, but hides the most important process, that of getting to know the real person. You can compare dating to going to a cheap buffet of old watery food unfit for a stray cat. You just "pick and choose," trying different things in an attempt to satisfy your hunger, but never seriously looking for the right dish (pun intended). Courtship is a fine restaurant filled with the best feast, seeking the best, and savoring the meal. Courtship takes it slow, avoids the games and attitudes that lead to scores of heartbreaks and hurts.

You have to be comfortable as a single person in Christ. You cannot expect someone to fill a hole or longing that is there because the health of your emotions and desires is not right. The goal of finding a mate is not to fill an empty hole of loneliness or of what might be missing. If it is, you are seeking someone who cannot possibly do that, because only Christ can! You cannot expect even the best person for you to put meaning in your life. By doing that, you are diving into a shallow pool of codependency and strife. A life full of meaning and wholeness must be accomplished in Christ alone. You cannot expect your spouse to do that, because that is the role of the Savior! Therefore, what you need to be seeking is a life-long covenant relationship. Real relationships are built on intimacy, and based on trust, communication, mutual beneficiation, and such. Dating will not build a lasting relationship, because true intimacy will not be built, but rather subsisted for cheap sex and personal desires. A covenant relationship seeks no way out nor easily gives up, but sticks it out with the goal of making it work, as God did with us!

When you become friends first, then you do not have to burn up a lot of time and energy developing a friendship with the person you are going out with. This will eliminate the games and hiding we tend to do. If you skip the friendship, then your relationship building will be much tougher, and a lot more complicated.

Common Objections to Courting

When I speak to single groups, I often get these objections for courtship; "There is nothing wrong with dating. It is part of our culture." and, "If I do not date, how can I lean how to relate with the opposite sex?" and, "Dating is the only way to meet men/women." And, finally, "Courtship may have worked 100 years ago, but dating is the only way I can meet my potential partner in our modern society."

The first objection centers on the assumption that we will not be able to know or relate to others without dating. This is not true, because we keep repeating the same patterns. People seldom learn anything in the dating game because they are too busy putting on a show and playing games. When we are busy hiding our true self, and trying to get the other person to like us, we become conformers and not learners. While we are so busy conforming our personality to theirs, we end up not changing anything of ourselves. In addition, we are having fun, thus we are not interested in learning. It is usually the last thing considered. Just interview people who have many relationships and see if their behavior patterns change. You will find they do not. In addition, if this were true, then we would have seen the divorce rate plummeting in the last 50 years, as dating has ever so increased, yet the opposite is true. We would also see marriages get better and stronger when, in fact, they have gone in the opposite direction. We would have also seen the rape percentages decrease, when, in reality, they have exponentially increased over the population growth! Empirical evidence and personal experience will clearly show we do not learn about the opposite sex through dating! We learn by becoming friends, listening, understanding, and discovering each another.

Okay, you think you have me now! How can we meet our partner without dating? Come on! Do you really think you will meet a good quality person in a bar, in a nightclub, or in a dance hall? Maybe, if you are very lucky, but in over 20 years of counseling I have never seen a good or successful marriage happen when the partner was found in such establishments! I do not want to sound like a prude, as I liked dancing and nightclubs when I was younger, but I would never have considered women there for me, nor should you. You have to decide the best environment and situation is in which to come to a decision about someone having the right qualities you desire in a mate. If you think it through, clubs are not it!

So how do you meet someone? Churches, ministry outings, referrals from family, school, civic classes, study groups, clubs (school, community, hobby, or church based ones), friends and friends of friends, etc. are excellent places. Look for places where there is no emotional involvement, and no agenda where you are forced not to be yourself. Then, you can be who you are, and get to know the person as a friend first. That way you will see the true personality of each other, the behaviors, likes, and dislikes. Then you can evaluate how that person acts in a variety of circumstances as they can about you. You can see if you "click" and have things in common. When you do this before you commence in the relationship, you will be miles ahead and far better off than in the dating game!

So, is dating OK because it is our culture, the way it is? Consider that our culture also says it is OK to sleep around and lived together first. So, are you going to follow a corrupt culture, or God's truth? The Bible is clear on how we develop relationships. When we go against God's truth, we set up ourselves up for a fall, for heartbreak, pain, needless suffering, and turmoil!

How is Courtship done? Courtship Check-up Steps and List:

Step I: Finding and Getting To Know Each Other.

The years of singleness are not wasted! Enjoy them! Use this time to work on yourself, your relationship, your growth in the Lord, and as a time of preparation for marriage. If you feel you do not want or need to get married, then do not! You may have the Gift of Singleness. The Bible calls us to be consecrated and holy before God. This means having His purpose and Will in mind, seeking Christ and His Kingdom first, not your own. You need to find out your spiritual gifts, and call in life. You must become comfortable with who you are before you seek someone else. How can you expect your future spouse's place in the church and world to be clear if you do not know what yours is?

· Seek a potential mate from quality sources!

· Look to be friends first. Build a friendship. This is your first priority and will lay the foundation for the entire relationship! That way, you will get to know each other more deeply and more real!

· They must be a committed Christian; not just saved, but sharing the same theology and spiritual growth aspirations. (2 Cor. 6:14)

· You both need to be growing in the Lord, enjoy going to church, enjoy serving God and others, and be a faithful member of a church.

· You cannot enter in to a relationship or marriage in an attempt to fulfill your needs or theirs!

· Be willing to address each other's faults and work them out with God, and a pastor or counselor if necessary.

· Do not rush or be too eager. Allow the relationship to build slowly over months, over years (at least two).

· Always be real, and allow the character and fruits of the Spirit to flow through you, being respectful and courteous to your date. If you are not naturally courteous and respectful, then do not fake it. Rather, allow the Lord to work on you before venturing out with others!

· Do not get into a long-term relationship too young! You have to learn about God and yourself first! Get some experience in building relationships with others before seeking marriage!

· Know your vulnerabilities, and areas of past and potential hurts, and deal with them. If either of you are still suffering from childhood or adult traumas, you will be handicapped in effectively building a relationship. Get emotionally healthy first!

· Do not seek a relationship just to please your family, friends, or anyone else!

· Be enthusiastic to know more about each other, and do not be shallow or superficial. Ask the penetrating questions and do not have unrealistic expectations!

· Do not try to court more that one person at a time. In addition, put some time between relationships. Do not feel you have to be in a relationship to be whole!

· The potential mate does not have to be perfect, since no one is, but you both need to be willing to grow and mature.

· You must know how to resolve conflict and differences without anger, (see our discipleship channel for helps in this area)!

· Make sure both of you know how money works. Have a good Biblical concept on how to deal with budgeting and debt. Most conflicts in marriage deal with finances!

· You cannot expect a future marriage partner to fulfill your needs in any area, instead of God. Remember your commitment and covenant to God, that as a Christian, you are holy and set apart for a higher purpose. Remain sexually pure until you get married! If you have committed your heart to God, then it becomes consecrated to Him (Gal 2:20-21)!

· Know the type of person you are looking for in regards to intelligence, personality, goals, spiritual maturity, character, political outlook, future children--and how to raise them, chemistry (how you click and relate), even appearance-be realistic!

· Do not look for someone who is an opposite. They may attract you at first, but they will soon repel!

· Develop a healthy outlook on what real Biblical love and intimacy is!

· Realize that the "dating game" is a dangerous game to play! It will rob you, your future spouse, and God! Whether you are the predator, or the prey, you will be hurt and diminished by the dating scene.

· Before you are engaged, you should hide some of your more expressive emotions and feelings in your hearts.

· Listen to your family and to mature mentors whom you trust!

· God calls us to Purity, so be pure! (1 Thessalonians 3: 11-13; 4:1-8) Please see our article on "Whatever happened to Virtue" in our Devotions and Articles Channel!

Step II: The Engagement Period

Save your more intimate emotions for this period. Enjoy your engagement! This is the time you will discover how well you work together, solve problems, and plan a big event. If this is just a time of stress and chaos, then you need to stop, and go back to step 1. Things will NOT get better when you are married! This is the time when hidden personality problems induced by stress come out, and if the two of you cannot work through them, you definitely will not be able to do so in marriage! Therefore, you need to be willing to work even harder to continue building your relationship. Get into a good marriage-counseling program, and attend a marriage conference or retreat. Most people think once you are engaged, coupled with social and family pressures and expenditures, you have to get married-WRONG! This period is not a guarantee that the two of you will get married; it is a time to make sure you are right for each other! If you force each other or allow others to, you may end up in the wrong relationship. It is far better to have the heartbreak of a broken engagement than a lifetime of a wrong marriage. Remember God is in charge; He has a plan. Be in tune with His, and not yours!

Step III: A Very Happy Marriage! (Song of Sol. 3:4)

· If one of you does not embrace any of which we have talked about so far, you will have an extreme strain on your relationship, and the odds of success are a 50% divorce rate. Of the marriages that are left, most are miserable! So, consider how important it is to get your act together before you say, "I do!"

· Make a covenant to choose to walk with surrendered Lordship faith in Jesus Christ: "I choose to be filled with His Spirit. Since I choose to be filled with His Spirit, I choose to love and honor my spouse! "(Galatians 5:22-26)

The problems with Courtship:

This model is by far the best one that we can use to find the love of our life, because it is what the Bible teaches! That does not mean we will not have problems with it, as we live in a fallen sinful world, a church that is not perfect, and a community of Christians who do not always follow God's Will or His precepts. However, my experiences in dating, going out, clubs, and even being engaged only to have it broken once, left me dazed and confused. I followed what society expected, and I got nowhere. So, after a careful study in dating and courtship while I was in seminary, I saw the potential for courtship. I then taught what I had learned to many singles groups in the late 80's, and practiced it myself. In addition, after getting my act together and following the courtship/ Biblical precepts I have shared with you, God brought the love of my life into my life and we were married in 1995. If I had married the other women I was chasing, knowing them as I do today, I would have been in utter misery! God's precepts and plan was much better than mine! So, put your trust in Him and His ways!

What are the potential problems?

The first ones would be your parents! Good parents are able to filter out the trouble and problems you may get yourself into. Thus, in the courtship model, they are the primary participants in seeking and choosing your mate. When you are done screaming, "no, no, no," think it through. Who loves and knows you best? Because of social misgivings, busyness, not following Christ as Lord, or even being a Christian has left this vital role empty for most single Christians. If the parents are deceased, or refuse to think in light of Biblical precepts, you will have to be extra careful and discerning yourself. Seek a mentor, church leader, or pastor who is spiritually mature to help youweed out and protect you from "unqualified applicants." Also, sometimes, even if your parents are not Christians, they still know you and can exercise great discernment on your behalf. Even if your parents do not want you to marry someone, and you feel they are not mature or are Christians, still listen and heed their advice. They still have spiritual authority over you, and, in most cases, have your best interest in mind. In my experience, I have rarely known them to be wrong. Even if the parents are not in the ideal role, the only problem for you is being extra careful and discerning--get a mentor!

Their Family: You have to know that when you marry someone, you marry their entire family, too! If their family does not like you, find out why, and what is wrong. Listen, and be discerning. Find out what you can do to make things better. Make sure you are in prayer and seeking what is best for the both of you and both families. Remember, God is sovereign and in control, even if the parents are unsaved! See their pastor for advice. If the family is not Christian, then consult the pastor of your potential mate. If you have their pastor's blessing, but not their parent's, you may be on the right track. Seek counseling and remember, if their parents do not like you, even if all the other signs point to "go for launch," you will still have significant problems unless you can win them over.

One of you is divorced: Biblical marriage is an unbreakable life-long covenant. Once you are married, even if you made a mistake, you still have to stick with it and make it work. The fact that you did get married to each other means there was and is a spark between the two of you, and you will have to figure out a way to make the fire. There are tremendous amounts of good resources from Focus on the Family, and Family Life Today that can help you! As fallen human beings, we make mistakes and cater to our bad judgments. Fortunately for us, God is a God of forgiveness and healing. Sin is in the world and Christians are not immune from making mistakes. However, this issue is in hot debate, as the Bible implies that if you did not get divorced for Biblical reasons, such as unfaithfulness, abuse, or abandonment, you cannot be remarried. So, seek wise Biblical counsel, and be in surrendered prayer to His Will and not your own. Then, if there is the factor that one or both of you have children, you have to consider their needs, extra blessings, and extra problems.

Not effectively communicating: If you work the courtship like our American style of dating, you will not build a solid, deep relationship. You must be able to ask questions, listen, and be vulnerable to reflect, challenge, and address each other's shortcomings, faults, and areas that need growth. Take it slow and develop your friendship first. If you do not do this, then you will be among the countless relationships in our culture filled with miscommunication, hurt, and misery!

Following God's plan is not easy. The world's way is! However, when we indulge in the world's way, the easy will quickly turn into hurt and chaos! So, that easy ends up being very difficult indeed! God, without a doubt, has a wonderful plan for you, but that plan will take effort, time, commitment, risk, and self surrender. It goes from what you may think is good and right to what really is good and right. Take to heart that these principles will work and will enable you to find the love of your life, the one whom God gives you, and who is the best for you. It may happen quickly, or it may take years to find him or her. Remember the characteristics of love from 1 Corinthians 13, and apply them to your search. Focus on the patience. At the same time, do not sit on the couch and wait. You have to get out there and take risks and possible rejection. You have to go where they are, work on yourself, and be open and vulnerable. If you are not willing to take a risk or work on yourself, you will be trading a little hurt from rejection and pride, for the unwillingness to build your character, and that will result in a lifetime of hurt and loneliness. And, you will miss what God has for you.

Next we will talk about: "Preparing for a Successful Marriage."

Richard Joseph Krejcir is the Director of "Into Thy Word Ministries," a missions and discipling ministry. He is the author of the book, Into Thy Word, and is also a pastor, teacher, and speaker. He is a graduate of Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena California (M.Div.) and studies in London England (Ph.D, Doctor of Philosophy in Practical Theology). He has garnered over 20 years of pastoral ministry experience, mostly in youth ministry, including serving as a church growth consultant.

Discipleship

Courtship?

Common Objections to Courting

· Seek a potential mate from quality sources!

· Look to be friends first. Build a friendship. This is your first priority and will lay the foundation for the entire relationship! That way, you will get to know each other more deeply and more real!

· They must be a committed Christian; not just saved, but sharing the same theology and spiritual growth aspirations. (2 Cor. 6:14)

· You both need to be growing in the Lord, enjoy going to church, enjoy serving God and others, and be a faithful member of a church.

· You cannot enter in to a relationship or marriage in an attempt to fulfill your needs or theirs!

· Be willing to address each other's faults and work them out with God, and a pastor or counselor if necessary.

· Do not rush or be too eager. Allow the relationship to build slowly over months, over years (at least two).

· Always be real, and allow the character and fruits of the Spirit to flow through you, being respectful and courteous to your date. If you are not naturally courteous and respectful, then do not fake it. Rather, allow the Lord to work on you before venturing out with others!

· Do not get into a long-term relationship too young! You have to learn about God and yourself first! Get some experience in building relationships with others before seeking marriage!

· Know your vulnerabilities, and areas of past and potential hurts, and deal with them. If either of you are still suffering from childhood or adult traumas, you will be handicapped in effectively building a relationship. Get emotionally healthy first!

· Do not seek a relationship just to please your family, friends, or anyone else!

· Be enthusiastic to know more about each other, and do not be shallow or superficial. Ask the penetrating questions and do not have unrealistic expectations!

· Do not try to court more that one person at a time. In addition, put some time between relationships. Do not feel you have to be in a relationship to be whole!

· The potential mate does not have to be perfect, since no one is, but you both need to be willing to grow and mature.

· You must know how to resolve conflict and differences without anger, (see our discipleship channel for helps in this area)!

· Make sure both of you know how money works. Have a good Biblical concept on how to deal with budgeting and debt. Most conflicts in marriage deal with finances!

· Know the type of person you are looking for in regards to intelligence, personality, goals, spiritual maturity, character, political outlook, future children--and how to raise them, chemistry (how you click and relate), even appearance-be realistic!

· Do not look for someone who is an opposite. They may attract you at first, but they will soon repel!

· Develop a healthy outlook on what real Biblical love and intimacy is!

· Realize that the "dating game" is a dangerous game to play! It will rob you, your future spouse, and God! Whether you are the predator, or the prey, you will be hurt and diminished by the dating scene.

· Before you are engaged, you should hide some of your more expressive emotions and feelings in your hearts.

· Listen to your family and to mature mentors whom you trust!

· God calls us to Purity, so be pure! (1 Thessalonians 3: 11-13; 4:1-8) Please see our article on "Whatever happened to Virtue" in our Devotions and Articles Channel!

Step III: A Very Happy Marriage! (Song of Sol. 3:4)

The problems with Courtship:

What are the potential problems?

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Discipleship

Courtship?

Common Objections to Courting

· Seek a potential mate from quality sources!

· Look to be friends first. Build a friendship. This is your first priority and will lay the foundation for the entire relationship! That way, you will get to know each other more deeply and more real!

· They must be a committed Christian; not just saved, but sharing the same theology and spiritual growth aspirations. (2 Cor. 6:14)

· You both need to be growing in the Lord, enjoy going to church, enjoy serving God and others, and be a faithful member of a church.

· You cannot enter in to a relationship or marriage in an attempt to fulfill your needs or theirs!

· Be willing to address each other's faults and work them out with God, and a pastor or counselor if necessary.

· Do not rush or be too eager. Allow the relationship to build slowly over months, over years (at least two).

· Always be real, and allow the character and fruits of the Spirit to flow through you, being respectful and courteous to your date. If you are not naturally courteous and respectful, then do not fake it. Rather, allow the Lord to work on you before venturing out with others!

· Do not get into a long-term relationship too young! You have to learn about God and yourself first! Get some experience in building relationships with others before seeking marriage!

· Know your vulnerabilities, and areas of past and potential hurts, and deal with them. If either of you are still suffering from childhood or adult traumas, you will be handicapped in effectively building a relationship. Get emotionally healthy first!

· Do not seek a relationship just to please your family, friends, or anyone else!

· Be enthusiastic to know more about each other, and do not be shallow or superficial. Ask the penetrating questions and do not have unrealistic expectations!

· Do not try to court more that one person at a time. In addition, put some time between relationships. Do not feel you have to be in a relationship to be whole!

· The potential mate does not have to be perfect, since no one is, but you both need to be willing to grow and mature.

· You must know how to resolve conflict and differences without anger, (see our discipleship channel for helps in this area)!

· Make sure both of you know how money works. Have a good Biblical concept on how to deal with budgeting and debt. Most conflicts in marriage deal with finances!

· Know the type of person you are looking for in regards to intelligence, personality, goals, spiritual maturity, character, political outlook, future children--and how to raise them, chemistry (how you click and relate), even appearance-be realistic!

· Do not look for someone who is an opposite. They may attract you at first, but they will soon repel!

· Develop a healthy outlook on what real Biblical love and intimacy is!

· Realize that the "dating game" is a dangerous game to play! It will rob you, your future spouse, and God! Whether you are the predator, or the prey, you will be hurt and diminished by the dating scene.

· Before you are engaged, you should hide some of your more expressive emotions and feelings in your hearts.

· Listen to your family and to mature mentors whom you trust!

· God calls us to Purity, so be pure! (1 Thessalonians 3: 11-13; 4:1-8) Please see our article on "Whatever happened to Virtue" in our Devotions and Articles Channel!

Step III: A Very Happy Marriage! (Song of Sol. 3:4)

The problems with Courtship:

What are the potential problems?

Related Articles • More Articles

Get Connected

Latest News

New: Year End Repot

TWyearend2016.pdf

Into Thy WordFamily of Websites

Into Thy Word
Family of Websites